I Am a Woman

I am a woman

born of God

I am a woman

born of love

I am caring and competent

vulnerable and powerful

seeking wholeness

physically, emotionally, and spiritually

I am a woman

reaching out to others

making a difference in myself

my family

community

church

and the world

I am empowering myself

to empower others

I am struggling to accept my anger

and use it to gain strength, confidence,

courage, and intimacy with others

I am a woman

who sees the interconnectedness of all human beings

who values the unique gifts of all

I am a woman who leads and follows

who accepts responsibility for myself

and the choices I make

Yes, I am a woman

who sees each day as a new beginning

a chance to grow in self, love, and service

I am a woman

born of God

I am a woman

born of love

And I can be

All that I am

- Ms Katherine Tyler Scott

This is one of the first prayers in Women's Uncommon Prayers: Our Lives Revealed, Nurtured, Celebrated. I have found many of the prayers in the book moving already, and I look forward to praying many more of them.

After church on Sunday a gentleman introduced himself to me. He had been a member of North Broadway United Methodist Church when he was younger. In the years between then and now, he had dabbled in many denominations and faiths, finding space for worship in the Baha'i faith at times. He was visiting his sister, a member of NBUMC, and he spoke to me of how exciting it was for him to come back to his home church and see worship being led by two energetic, called, and capable women. He talked about how he used to be frustrated when he came "home" to find the wall of pastors filled with the pictures of staunch looking men. We chatted about the place of women within not only the United Methodist Church, but in the Church as a whole and in other faiths as well.

As I walked home (so yes, the walk is short because I live across the parking lot) and the time after, I found myself thinking about how I count myself blessed to work with a female senior pastor. She has journeyed in many places that I myself hope to someday journey, and she has the experiences to share with me as we journey in ministry.

I have so many women in ministry to look up to, so I don't want to sound brag-y about just one. God has placed so many remarkable women in my life. I am so thankful that the United Methodist Church is a place that values and recognizes the call of women. I know that there is still work to be done (shout out to my GCSRW sisters and brothers), but on this particularly mundane Tuesday, I am taking a moment to be thankful for Rev. Dr. Stevens and all the other women with whom I am in ministry. I am blessed to count you as colleagues and friends.

top 10 hymns

My friend, Diane (who I've mentioned in an earlier post), just created another brilliant blog experience. She challenged bloggers and friends to list their favorite hymns. Her challenge comes with a few rules:

1 - Hymns must be included in the 1989 United Methodist Hymnal, so no The Faith We Sing hymns may be included (excluding, to my dismay, We Are Called).

2 - It must make your heart thrill to hear/sing it.

3 - You must be able to sing at least one verse by heart.


So, in no particular order, my top 10 favorite hymns:

159 - Lift High the Cross (Newbolt) - Nothing beats the descant from Ada First UMC on this one, but it holds a place on the list for many reasons.

555 - Forward Through the Ages (Hosmer) - This will be sung at my funeral. Take note.

707 - Hymn of Promise (Sleeth)

302 - Christ the Lord is Risen Today (C. Wesley) - There is just something about the Hallelujah's after you haven't sung them for 40+ days.

203 - Hail to the Lord's Annointed (Montgomery)

400 - Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing (Robinson) - I must say that I hear Sufjan Stevens and/or David Crowder usually when I think of this.

147 - All Things Bright and Beautiful (Alexander)

369 - Blessed Assurance (Crosby) - I don't always love the blood language, but I love Fanny Crosby and I love the tune and I love the song. I stand by my choice.

92 - For the Beauty of the Earth (Pierpoint)

211 - O Come, O Come Emmanuel (15th Century French) - I am an Easter woman, but is it really possible to list ten hymns from the UMH and not include an Advent hymn?

So what are yours? If you are non-United Methodist, your own denominational hymnal will work... even though it won't be nearly as much fun...

-isms

Recently I watched the movie "The Help" (after reading the book, of course). In a scene the main character, Skeeter, is walking through a newspaper office full of cigarette smoke to the enclosed office of the manager. When she opens the door and walks in she does not shut the door behind her. The manager yells at her (and the quote is not exact here), "Shut the door! Eventually they're going to figure out that those things'll kill ya!"

I have just returned home from Crucible, a leadership development program for ordained and provisional members in the West Ohio Annual Conference. The first retreat was a personal development retreat that focused on wholeness, wellness, prayer, and solitude. Among the many topics we addressed, we talked about workaholism.

Our presenter, Ruth Haley Barton, stated that workaholism is the -ism of our generation. It is important for leaders, both secular and religious, need to understand that workaholism is an addiction. It will not only destroy career, but self, family and many other vital aspects of our lives. I was so surprised to hear how many pastors in the room don't take even one day off per week. Many confessed to feeling a drive within them that would lead them into self-destructive behaviors. Perfectionism, overdrive, and technology mix to form a fatal cocktail that will seem successful until the great crash and burn that will cause many to leave vocations, families, and even life behind.

Why don't we understand that workaholism will kill us?

I tweeted last night about being frustrated that I would likely have to do work on my day off as a result of being at the Crucible retreat. One pastor working in a non-parish setting replied, "Day off?" I know that she was joking, but why do we expect pastors and people in so many other vocations to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

I think the attitudes are beginning to shift, but but how can we honestly examine our own work patterns and realize that when our work cannot be accomplished in 50-60 hours it does *not* mean that we should simply work longer and harder! Our spirits, our minds, and our bodies are not made to function as a workaholic.

I have made a few goals to start examining my workaholic ways. Here is one:

I will buy an alarm clock so that I can turn my cell phone off each night. Not just on silent and ignoring it, but turning it off and not attending to twitter, facebook, and email in the middle of the night.

What will you do so that you do not succumb to the addiction of workaholism?

Life is More Than a Box of Chocolates

So, another Valentine's Day...

I am quite happy to have many people with whom I share the sentiment of the day. And for those who abhor this day? Please don't let a

day make you feel less special than you are.

And now for something totally different.

I'm a pastor. 99.9% of the time I love it. I loved it yesterday. I lead two worship services each Sunday, and after a particularly normal first service, I was feeling a bit down. As I walked into the sanctuary of Church Number 2, I saw a lovely box of chocolates neatly placed in my chair behind the pulpit. I knew immediately who the chocolates were from. Last year I got a dozen roses from this same person.

Here comes the dilemma.

So, I have decided to start (again) taking seriously this business of eating better and making my body fit for life. Seems easy, right? I am a week in, after I had a few successes and many, many failures. But I live one day at a time, choosing water over sugary soda and veggies (which I truly love) over chocolate.

So these chocolates from church posed a problem. I lived through a minor "encounter" during worship, and felt good when I got home. My husband and I swapped some Valentine's Day trinkets, and life was good! So I had one chocolate! Look at my self control! And then Monday came...

I made good choices. I ate one more chocolate. Self control win! I went out to lunch with a few friends, at a Chinese Buffet even, and made good choices! LOOK AT ME! I am being successful! And on the drive home, my phone shouted at me, "IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE!!" (that's the ringtone I have set for email notifications.) So I get home, open the email, and it is a passive aggressive email from the same instigator of the "encounter" during worship yesterday!

Ugh... I am angry. I am disappointed. I am feeling attacked. I cry. I want chocolate. Perhaps it is because the chocolate is sitting on the coffee table. So I moved the chocolate to the kitchen table. Out of sight, out of mind, right? So I vent to a friend about how angry I am, I do some housework (that in itself should tell you how angry I am), and I try to take my mind off of eating every.single.caramel.in.the.box.

But when I sat down and needed to get work done on the computer, I ate one caramel. I typed. I ate another caramel. I typed. And before I knew it, I had devoured every caramel in the box. And then I picked up a strawberry candy! I DON'T EVEN LIKE THEM. What is it about anger that can make an otherwise strong willed person eat a bunch of chocolates I don't even care for?

So I walked outside, dumped the box of chocolates in the dumpster, and said to myself, "Anna, life is more than a box of chocolates."

The Nose Knows

So, I have been wrestling with a decision for the past couple of weeks that represents larger issues within my life. Are you ready for the question I have been asking myself?

Should I pierce my nose or not?

Let me begin this argument by stating that I have had my nose pierced before. In fact, shortly after I got it done, I posted a picture of me and a friend that displayed the modest jewel.

When I posted this picture, a former youth pastor (MAM) posted the following comment: "if that's a nose piercing i'll kill you out of sheer jealousy. youth directors ought not cause their youth directors to stumble." By this point in our relation, MAM and I were more friend/colleagues than youth pastor/youth, but I understood her comment.

I had always been a person who valued self expression and felt wonderful about explaining my gauged ears and my tattoos. I welcomed the conversation, even from the people who disagreed with what I did to *my* body. I very vividly remember that there was a woman who attended the church at which I was a youth pastor who approached me to question my facial jewelry. I was ready to do the *smile-and-nod-and-respect-an-elder* defense of my jewelry when she declared, "I just love it! I may have to get one myself!"

It surprised me that someone who was well over the age of 70 valued my own self-expression, too! As I finished college, I was deep in the final stages of planning my wedding. My (then) fiancé had asked that I think about taking out the nose jewelry for our ceremony. I obliged, agreeing that I may not want a little bauble showing in my pictures 30 years from now. As we waited in the airport to depart on our honeymoon, I realized that I had not replaced my nose stud. Stupid me...

but the nose piercing went by the wayside. I have been working in a church since college, so I welcomed the *not having to defend yourself all the time* mindset that the lack of facial piercing afforded. As I wore my hair down most of the time, very few people even noticed my gauged ears. And I continued to "grow up."

As I continued to age, I began to have a desire to wear fun, dangling earrings. I made the decision to take out my size zero gauged ears. (See below picture... the white is solid, forming a large hole in my ear).

With my gauges gone, my nose piercing closed, and only one tattoo made known to people with whom I work and attend school, I started to feel like a large part of my personality had been stifled. I was, after all, the person who rounded up friends on my birthday and drove to the tattoo shop to get inked or pierced.

So here is where I find myself now. I am a young woman in ministry, who is working in a church where I am the youngest by at least 15 years (and even 40 year olds are hard to come by). I feel largely misunderstood by my congregation anyway. I don't explicitly state my personal political views, as I know it would cause more harm than it would good.

Even beyond my immediate context, I am preparing for some major interviews that will influence my appointment and journey toward ordination. My husband has made it clear that he thinks it is a poor decision to pierce my nose again. Though I disagree with him, I value his opinion.

As we were talking about it yesterday, my husband and I reached an impasse. He has made it clear that he believes it to be a poor judgement call on my part, and I made it clear to him that I am not asking for his permission. He gets that. He does. I want to respect his viewpoints without losing myself in this marriage. It is a unity candle thing (which we didn't do...) Do you blow out the two small candles after lighting the large one? I don't think so...

I think what this all stems from is a lack of control. I am feeling very helpless in a process of appointment, graduation, etc. and my husband would admit he feels the same way, too. It may sound a bit silly, but it is one thing that I can control. A nose piercing, although disputed, is not a polarizing topic.

So what say you? To pierce or not to pierce? THAT is the question! What would you think of a pastor with a pierced nose? Would it even make a difference?

What do you do?

My friend has blogged about the social stigma that come from the phrase, "I am a seminary student." This friend, however, is male, and I believe that I have a whole different perspective of the discomfort that the revelation of my status as a seminarian can bring.

Women get to experience a range of uncomfortable encounters in the medical/personal world that (most) men don't get to experience until much later in their lives. Women get the joy of having an annual gynecological exam (and if you are a female and don't, you should). Along with that (and sometimes other) doctor's appointment come the joy of the breast exam. Or what about the Brazilian wax? Let's face it ladies, there are a lot of times that someone else's face is in our "business."

Well as a seminary student, I dread the inevitable question of "what do you do?" I try to dodge the question telling the asker that I am a full time student. More often than not, that person asks me what I study. I tell them theology. Now, my favorite types of doctors/nurses/whoevers stop at that. That answer suffices. Most people, however, need more details. They want to know what I want to do with my degree. This is where I start to get nervous. Not only is someone's face in my "business" but now I must tell that I will be (and already am) serving a church as a pastor. The conversation then halts...

Even the most uncomfortable situation can be made a bit more enjoyable with pleasantries, but once I have revealed that I am a pastor, one of two thing happen. Either the person stops talking altogether. Now I am faced with the reality that this person is either looking at me or touching me in places that I don't even like to acknowledge exist, and they are silent. Great... awkwardness ensures... OR that person decides to spill their entire personal, religious/spiritual history in depth, presenting me with issues to solve in the few moments that we will spend together. Now this is not like the dentist asking you a question while her/his hands in your mouth... at least then you have an excuse to just shake your head and make polite eyes. You try to keep silent while your gynecologist asks if you recommend any churches in the area.

And the reality of it is that this is something I am going to deal with for the entirety of my life. Not only in the superawkward conversations like at the gynecologist or while getting a mammogram (oh do I dread the day that I have to have one of those...) but they will also happen while I am getting my hair cut or while I am getting a manicure. It has happened! It sucks!

But that is the truth of this calling and all others. If you tell someone you are a lawyer, they ask for legal advice. If you are a nurse, they ask you for medical advice. If you are a stay at home parent, they ask you for parenting tips. And if you are a pastor, they ask you to see a part of the deepest parts of them, the parts that often no one else has ever seen. They trust you with the things that no one else can be trusted with...

...and no matter how uncomfortable, I try to radiate the love of God that fills me with life and light.

What's being a woman got to do with it?

I have had a lot on my mind around the matter of my ministry, my gender, and my age. After reading this blog post, I think that I have finally internalized my feelings enough to verbalize them.

Reading the post about Anna Howard Shaw, I was reminded of all the things that women have had to endure for the sake of ministry, especially ordination. I am so thankful to have strong women like Anna who have blazed the trails so that I don't have so many trails to blaze of my own. Especially in working with the General Commission on the Status and Role of Women I have had the privilege and the pleasure of getting to know some of the most capable and wonderful women in the United Methodist Church. I am so proud to count myself as a colleauge, but moreso as a sister in Christ to each and every one of these women.

In working towards my own ordination, I have heard a variety of advice from many people. Some of it is quality, tidbits that I will never forget. Some is comical. I understand that it came out of their experience, but internally I can't help but chuckle. Then there is the infuriating advice. The advice that is completely unmerited and unwanted.

The first advice I can think of from the unmerited and unwanted advice happened before a class in a casual conversation. I was speaking with an older (meaning older than myself) male classmate who is currently serving a church as a student pastor. When I told him that I would be taking a congregation of my own as a student pastor in the fall, he "so graciously" warned me about finding an older (again, meaning older than myself) woman to be a mentor, so that I could talk over the specific challenges that young women have in the ministry, especially in rural congregations.

Now, I know that some rural congregations are still not keen on the idea of having female pastors, and that some rural congregations are composed primarily of older adults. But I was very frustrated by his assumption that I would automatically face challenges that would require me to have a mentor just to talk about those specific issues. I think I was more frustrated by his assumptions of the people that I would be in ministry with. It was so unfair of him to assume that they would be old people who wouldn't respect the authority of a young, capable, woman. I know that my classmate was speaking out of protection for me, but I left the conversation feeling frustrated and belittled.

I have another colleague who I email with quite frequently regarding ministry. We share stories and experiences, frustrations and triumphs, and many other things. When this person (gender left neutral on purpose) asked me how my first few weeks at my new church went, this person was suprised that I haven't had any major issues. I told this person how people readily and willingly address me as Pastor Anna (even though it still freaks me out a little), how they ask and seriously consider my advice, and how they respect my decisions.

An example of this is that the church secretary has served as the food pantry coordinator for years. Each year she must sign a contract with the foodbank that provides our food pantry with many staple items. This contract requires the signature of the pastor, after the pastor has reviewed the contract points. I reviewd the contract, and a few of the points were not being fulfilled by our church's foodbank. It was not as a specific oversight of any one person, but I told the church secretary that I didn't feel comfortable signing this contract until the policies of the church's foodbank had been revised accordingly. The next day, new policies were set in place and the church secretary thanked me for reading the entirety of the contract before I signed. She (though she has done it "her" way for years and years) had no problem with my methods.

Yes, I am young. Yes, I am a woman. Yes, I am qualified and capable. Yes, my church members recognize all of these points and respect me for all of them. I have had no problems thus far regarding my age and gender. Does that mean I will never have problems? Probably not.

Does being warned about problems and conflicts in advance prepare us? Perhaps... but often I think those warnings turn us on to problems and conflicts that we may not have pegged as happening because of a certain factor. I liken it to the dentist. When the dentist says, "I am going to give you this injection, you may feel a pinch and a sting," you anticipate that pinching and stinging. But if you don't know what is coming, you experience the injection just as it is, without having any notions of how it will feel.

For some people, that not knowing what you will experience is scary. I recognize that very fully. The way I function, however, is that I would like to experience everything without having my mind set on a situation or outcome in the beginning. I prefer to reflect more after the experience. My preference is no better than others, but I wonder if other young, capable women have experienced the same feelings as I have.