Things Vanessa Taught Us

56 years ago today, the world changed. Vanessa Joan (pronounced Jo-anne... don't get it wrong) Craft (later Barrett) entered this world. But really, doesn't the world change each time one of us is born? Doesn't the world change when each one of us dies? I think that's how Vanessa felt. Each of us has a unique task of leaving this world better than we found it.

On this, what would be her 56th birthday, I think it is important for us to remember that Vanessa left this world better than she found it. Vanessa, my dear mother, was a teacher. Not only in the classroom, this brave woman sought to teach each and every person she met. I believe that she succeeded. Listed below are 56 lessons that Vanessa taught us.

I hope you enjoy the list, laughing at the funny lessons, and humbly remembering the somber ones... but most of all, I hope you share this list, both by sharing the list itself with others, but even more so by living out the lessons.

1. Meals can be one course. This course can be popcorn, Shells-n-Cheese, nachos, or any other number of foods that require little to no effort to prepare.

2. Of all fast-food restaurants, always choose Taco Bell (unless the Taco Bell has been closed by the health department... then choose Arby's).

3. The healthiest competition comes from card games. Also, don't mess with a Craft woman, especially when she is playing Phase 10, Skip-bo, or Wizard.

4. Teachers have first names. They really like to be called by them, too!

5. The only way to be happy is to be yourself.

6. Everyone has a talent. If you think you don't, you haven't tried hard enough.

7. Travelling in large groups is risky, especially when you don't know the language. Always have a meeting spot in case of emergencies.

8. If something seems like a bad idea, DON'T DO IT!

9. No child is a lost cause.

10. Likewise, every child deserves to be loved and to be given a second chance.

11. Again, likewise, children are not their parents.

12. Love transcends divisions. That doesn't make divisions less hard to deal with, but love is worth persevering in.

13. If you have troubles remembering your 9 times tables, hold both hands in the air (working under the assumption that you have all and only 10 fingers). To figure out 9 x 4, (starting at the left) count over four fingers (your left pointer finger). Put it down. To the left of it will be 3 fingers, to the right of it will 6. 9 x 4 = 36. 9 x 6 = ? Count over six, put down your right thumb. 5 to the left, 4 to the right. 9 x 6 = 54.

14. The only ab workout you need is laughter.

15. Don't take yourself so seriously.

16. The best way you can love your children is to love your parenting partner. (She phrased it, "The best way a man can love his children is to love his wife." I have altered the lesson to be inclusive.)

17. When stuck in a conflict, "BUILD A BRIDGE and GET OVER IT!"

18. Things don't always have to be tidy to be organized.

19. If a group of people is getting together and have invited you, you declining the invitation means that you will be the subject of conversation.

20. Life is short. Spend time with friends and family.

21. Friendship is the most precious gift you have. You are not limited to one best friend. The more, the better.

22. You can live on less than 1 kidney. For a long time.

23. If you don't know the answer, admit it. Don't make an answer up. It does no good to anyone.

24. Take the questions of children seriously. You might learn something in the answering.

25. There is truth to the command to "make a joyful noise." Tone-deaf is merely a state of mind.

26. If you're feeling sorry for yourself, others probably are, too. You are worth more than feeling sorry for yourself.

27. Doctors should be nice to you. You are buying their houses, their cars, and (as the case of Vanessa's nephrologist) funding their divorces.

28. Once you get the "teacher look," you'll never forget it. Phrases like "suck a duck" will incite said look.

29. The "mom glare" is strikingly similar to the "teacher look."

30. If you can't play sports (or just aren't any good at 'em), encourage the people who do!

31. Cherish your sorority sisters. They're the only ones who won't think you're crazy when you sing the songs/do the dances you remember from college.

32. Always designate a friend to remove your "bedside/top drawer" contents in the case of your untimely death. Your children won't ever thank you for it, but really they're thankful.

33. Pepsi is addictive. Never trust a Coca-Cola drinker (even if you marry one).

34. Children are never mistakes. They are gifts to be cherished.

35. Do not try to iron your clothes while you're wearing them.

36. Family is family, no matter what.

37. Never underestimate the power of a smile. It lifts your own spirits more than it lifts the spirits of others.

38. Kids grow up, most of the time before you even know it. Savor childhood.

39. Relax. Yes, you. RELAX.

40. When making puppy chow, always double-bag.

41. Relationships (especially with your kids) are more important than keeping a perfect house.

42. The only color of Laffy Taffy worth eating is the yellow. And if you don't think the jokes are funny? Well, see #15!

43. When being intimate under the Christmas tree, watch out for needles. Or buy a fake tree.

44. When sneezing, remember to squeeze. This maneuver is (cleverly) titled the "sneeze-n-squeeze).

45. You are perfect, but your life won't and doesn't have to be. Trying to make it so is a wasted effort.

46. You never know when Kilroy is watching.

47. It is convenient to name your kid the same thing as the next door neighbor's kid. It cuts down on the yelling.

48. Hug people. You probably need it more than they do, but it will brighten their day and lift their spirit.

49. A dog will always love you, no matter how badly you snore.

50. Open your home to those who need it.

51. Your paycheck does not define you.

52. Everyone has a nickname. If they don't, it is your responsibility to make one up!

53. Give until you can't give anymore.

54. Like most music, Barry Manilow is best heard on vinyl.

55. Your legacy will continue to affect people long after you have left this earth. People you've never met... make sure it is one worth leaving.

56. Never forget the 4 L's... Learn, Laugh, Love, Live

So, which is your favorite? Which are you best at? On which do you need to work?

*a special thanks to Diane for inspiring this post

** a VERY special thank you to all who shared lessons and memories on facebook. I couldn't have compiled this list without you!

2010 in Albums (re-post from Facebook)

My friend, Nick, has posted a list of albums that he connected to in 2010. After a bit of conversation with him during a class break, I decided that I would do the same. Like Nick, most of these albums are not albums released in 2010, but albums that I found myself constantly returning to.

January

"Furnace Room Lullaby" - Neko Case

I was introduced to this artist by my friend, Julia. We used a Neko Case song as a background for a group project, and I was immediately captured by her unique sound. I was taking an intensive class in January in which I was studying the Doctrine of the United Methodist Church. When I felt very boxed in to the "system" to which I was submitting my career, I found freedom through the sound of this album.

February

"Evolve" - Ani DiFranco

I have always considered the title track from this album to be a "mantra" of sorts for my life... "So I walk like I'm on a mission 'cause that's the way I groove. I've got more and more to do. I've got less and less to prove. It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures 'cause I have the kind of beauty that moves." What headstrong woman finding her way in the world wouldn't relate to this lyric? (As you will see emerge later in the year) I have a tendency to re-listen to albums both before and after I see an artist in concert. I saw Ani with my friends Julia, Chrissy, and Deana. She put on a spectacular show and put in motion a lot of thoughts about how I can be both a married woman and an activist for women's rights.

March

"New Moon Daughter" - Cassandra Wilson

March contains not only my birthday, but also an opportunity for me to spend time with my sisters and brothers of GCSRW. I always feel quite tapped into the universal feminine when I listen to Cassandra Wilson, and in the celebration of my birthday in Chicago, my GCSRW friends made a monetary gift to the Advocacy for Women Endowment. I felt as though they said to me, "You're womanhood is a legacy."

April

"Kansas" - Jennifer Knapp

As I prepared to attend the West Ohio Annual Conference, I had been in much prayer and conversations with Christians and non-Christians alike about the relationship between hetero-sexism and faith. Around the middle of April, Jennifer Knapp, a successful Christian recording artist, came out of the closet. Hearing not only this album from Jennifer Knapp, but also listening to her interviews alongside my preparations for a heated week at annual conference made me keenly aware of many issues surrounding sexuality that have permeated many conversations, churches, communities, etc.

May

"The Everglow" - Mae

This is just an overall great album that holds a lot of memories and emotions. As I transitioned out of my "second year" at MTSO and into the summer, this album just held me together.

June

self-titled - Corinne Bailey Rae

Annual Conference, mentioned above, occurred in this month. Corinne Bailey Rae served as a calming presence. Her music is light but full of soul.

July

"Call Off the Search" - Katie Melua

July took me on a journey to Germany. My dear friend Vici, her husband, Hauke, and their BEAUTIFUL (no really, she is the most gorgeous child in the world) daughter Mathilda had graciously hosted me for a few days. As we were all enjoying a typical German breakfast, Vici put on this album. I was instantly hooked. I listed to this album not only for the rest of July, but for the rest of the year.

August

"God Willing and the Creek Don't Rise" - Ray LaMontagne

A newly released album that was long awaited from this Ray LaMontagne fan. His album set the tone for the beginning of my last year in graduate school (FINALLY). I have always loved his music, and the collaboration with the Pariah Dogs somehow captured my feelings of stress, worry, sadness, and the beauty that comes from them all and represented them musically.

September

"Wreck Your Wheels" - Kim Richey

Again I found myself with my wonderful GCSRW friends in Nashville. We went to the Bluebird Cafe to listen to songwriter's perform, and we all fell in love with Kim Richey. I had heard a song of hers on Grey's Anatomy, but never followed up. She is another woman who performs with soul.

October

"Simplicity" - Katie Reider

As I arrived at church one Sunday morning, a parishioner asked if she could play a song that she heard at a wedding to celebrate the anniversary of two of our beloved congregants. The song was beautiful, but she didn't know who sang it or where it came from. Quite ironically, the next day my friend and colleague, Don, posted a status on FB about a Katie Reider song. As I read Katie's story and listened to more and more of her music, I discovered that she was the writer/performer of the song in church. Her music captivated me and encapsulated her life of hope and love. Her story is all at the same time heartwarming and heartbreaking.

November

"Lonely Avenue" - Ben Folds & Nick Hornby

This album was released this year, and I haven't stopped listening to it since. I saw Ben Folds in concert with Garrett and my friend, Bethany. It was incredible.

December

"On a Rolling Ball" - Gabe Dixon

December held a lot of stress and distress, and this album on repeat settled my mind as I entered what will no doubt be one of the craziest years of my life.

I would love to hear yours!!

Imagine a Woman

by

Patricia Lynn Reilly, M. Div.

© 1995

Imagine a woman

who believes it is right and good she is woman.

A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.

Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman

who believes she is good.

A woman who trusts and respects herself.

Who listens to her needs and desires and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman

who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.

A woman who has walked through her past.

Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman

who authors her own life.

A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.

Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman

who names her own gods.

A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.

Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman

in love with her own body.

A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.

Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman

who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face.

A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.

Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman

who values the women in her life.

A woman who sits in circles of women.

Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

[emphasis mine]

Life is More Than a Box of Chocolates

So, another Valentine's Day...

I am quite happy to have many people with whom I share the sentiment of the day. And for those who abhor this day? Please don't let a

day make you feel less special than you are.

And now for something totally different.

I'm a pastor. 99.9% of the time I love it. I loved it yesterday. I lead two worship services each Sunday, and after a particularly normal first service, I was feeling a bit down. As I walked into the sanctuary of Church Number 2, I saw a lovely box of chocolates neatly placed in my chair behind the pulpit. I knew immediately who the chocolates were from. Last year I got a dozen roses from this same person.

Here comes the dilemma.

So, I have decided to start (again) taking seriously this business of eating better and making my body fit for life. Seems easy, right? I am a week in, after I had a few successes and many, many failures. But I live one day at a time, choosing water over sugary soda and veggies (which I truly love) over chocolate.

So these chocolates from church posed a problem. I lived through a minor "encounter" during worship, and felt good when I got home. My husband and I swapped some Valentine's Day trinkets, and life was good! So I had one chocolate! Look at my self control! And then Monday came...

I made good choices. I ate one more chocolate. Self control win! I went out to lunch with a few friends, at a Chinese Buffet even, and made good choices! LOOK AT ME! I am being successful! And on the drive home, my phone shouted at me, "IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE!!" (that's the ringtone I have set for email notifications.) So I get home, open the email, and it is a passive aggressive email from the same instigator of the "encounter" during worship yesterday!

Ugh... I am angry. I am disappointed. I am feeling attacked. I cry. I want chocolate. Perhaps it is because the chocolate is sitting on the coffee table. So I moved the chocolate to the kitchen table. Out of sight, out of mind, right? So I vent to a friend about how angry I am, I do some housework (that in itself should tell you how angry I am), and I try to take my mind off of eating every.single.caramel.in.the.box.

But when I sat down and needed to get work done on the computer, I ate one caramel. I typed. I ate another caramel. I typed. And before I knew it, I had devoured every caramel in the box. And then I picked up a strawberry candy! I DON'T EVEN LIKE THEM. What is it about anger that can make an otherwise strong willed person eat a bunch of chocolates I don't even care for?

So I walked outside, dumped the box of chocolates in the dumpster, and said to myself, "Anna, life is more than a box of chocolates."

The Nose Knows

So, I have been wrestling with a decision for the past couple of weeks that represents larger issues within my life. Are you ready for the question I have been asking myself?

Should I pierce my nose or not?

Let me begin this argument by stating that I have had my nose pierced before. In fact, shortly after I got it done, I posted a picture of me and a friend that displayed the modest jewel.

When I posted this picture, a former youth pastor (MAM) posted the following comment: "if that's a nose piercing i'll kill you out of sheer jealousy. youth directors ought not cause their youth directors to stumble." By this point in our relation, MAM and I were more friend/colleagues than youth pastor/youth, but I understood her comment.

I had always been a person who valued self expression and felt wonderful about explaining my gauged ears and my tattoos. I welcomed the conversation, even from the people who disagreed with what I did to *my* body. I very vividly remember that there was a woman who attended the church at which I was a youth pastor who approached me to question my facial jewelry. I was ready to do the *smile-and-nod-and-respect-an-elder* defense of my jewelry when she declared, "I just love it! I may have to get one myself!"

It surprised me that someone who was well over the age of 70 valued my own self-expression, too! As I finished college, I was deep in the final stages of planning my wedding. My (then) fiancé had asked that I think about taking out the nose jewelry for our ceremony. I obliged, agreeing that I may not want a little bauble showing in my pictures 30 years from now. As we waited in the airport to depart on our honeymoon, I realized that I had not replaced my nose stud. Stupid me...

but the nose piercing went by the wayside. I have been working in a church since college, so I welcomed the *not having to defend yourself all the time* mindset that the lack of facial piercing afforded. As I wore my hair down most of the time, very few people even noticed my gauged ears. And I continued to "grow up."

As I continued to age, I began to have a desire to wear fun, dangling earrings. I made the decision to take out my size zero gauged ears. (See below picture... the white is solid, forming a large hole in my ear).

With my gauges gone, my nose piercing closed, and only one tattoo made known to people with whom I work and attend school, I started to feel like a large part of my personality had been stifled. I was, after all, the person who rounded up friends on my birthday and drove to the tattoo shop to get inked or pierced.

So here is where I find myself now. I am a young woman in ministry, who is working in a church where I am the youngest by at least 15 years (and even 40 year olds are hard to come by). I feel largely misunderstood by my congregation anyway. I don't explicitly state my personal political views, as I know it would cause more harm than it would good.

Even beyond my immediate context, I am preparing for some major interviews that will influence my appointment and journey toward ordination. My husband has made it clear that he thinks it is a poor decision to pierce my nose again. Though I disagree with him, I value his opinion.

As we were talking about it yesterday, my husband and I reached an impasse. He has made it clear that he believes it to be a poor judgement call on my part, and I made it clear to him that I am not asking for his permission. He gets that. He does. I want to respect his viewpoints without losing myself in this marriage. It is a unity candle thing (which we didn't do...) Do you blow out the two small candles after lighting the large one? I don't think so...

I think what this all stems from is a lack of control. I am feeling very helpless in a process of appointment, graduation, etc. and my husband would admit he feels the same way, too. It may sound a bit silly, but it is one thing that I can control. A nose piercing, although disputed, is not a polarizing topic.

So what say you? To pierce or not to pierce? THAT is the question! What would you think of a pastor with a pierced nose? Would it even make a difference?

I've got friends...

One of my favorite features of using Google Chrome as a web browser is the fact that it remembers websites. When I want to get to facebook all I need to do is type in "faceb" and hit enter and I'm there! Want to get to my google reader? "reader" (Did you notice that I type until I have to switch typing hands? Ms. Kilbride, my HS keyboarding teacher, would be proud that I still type correctly.)

When I though about writing this entry, I typed in "ra" and got nothing. I kept typing... "rambling" still nothing... had I not visited the blog in so long that Google Chrome did not recognize it? Wow...

One of my favorite tweeters (what exactly is the word for a person who uses twitter?) is UnvirtuousAbbey. One tweet a few days ago read, "For bloggers who only blog about their writer's block, we pray to the Lord." Oh Jesus! I promise not to write about my writers block. Trust me, I have plenty to write about... just not enough time to write it.

But I find myself in the past few days pondering the nature of the United Methodist Church's connectional (is that not a real word? I am getting the red-squiggly-line-of-death) nature. These thoughts began when my husband declared to me that being friends with me on facebook has clogged up his "People You Should Know" list with a bunch of United Methodists who he has knowledge of. I laughed. But when he mentioned the people that facebook suggested, one of the people was my friend, Diane.

My thinking of Diane continued through the week when we exchanged a few text messages. My phone threads texts to look like conversations, and in talking with Diane, I accidentally sent Diane a message meant for Garrett, the man gracious enough to stay married to me. Thank GOD the text only read, "Thanks, Babe!" and not something more embarrassing.

I began to really think about how much I miss the friends I have made through various venues within and related to the United Methodist Church. While I am really glad for the connectional system which brought me together with these folks, it SUCKS ROYALLY that because of the connectional system I rarely get to see them.

I miss:

Diane - who has dubbed herself the "woman I sleep with when I'm away from Garrett." Laugh all you want, but it is true. When I go to commission meetings for The General Commission on the Status and Role of Women, I choose to room with Diane. Diane and I both nerdily (again, red-squiggly-line-of-death) look forward to our first night together at meetings where we will each recline on our hotel room beds and trade syllabi (AGAIN with the red-squiggly-line-of-death... I could have SWORN that was a real word). What will Diane and I do when we meet next August and we're not in seminary anymore?! Oh goodness... Diane also taught be of the joy of sulfate-free haircare. Us curly-girls have GOT to stick together! Mainly, I miss laughing with Diane... our funny sleeping stories... the fact that she doesn't blink when I brush my teeth in my underwear... I miss Diane.

I also miss:

Rachel BR - She and I share a special bond... the bond of "People whose last names give other people problems." She has lived with her last name her whole life, but I have only had mine for 872 days. She assures me that it never gets any easier, but that it does get funnier. I met Rachel through her service with Reconciling Ministries Network and The General Commission on Religion and Race. What I love about Rachel (well, one of the many things) is her no-nonsense way of framing issues around inclusivity. I have never had to question where Rachel stands on any issue, and on the (rare) occasion in which we disagree, I must say that Rachel is the most wonderful person to disagree with. She has a way of not putting you down in telling you how she feels and why she feels that way. My working relationship with Rachel turned into a friendship relationship as we toured Berlin. We formed inside jokes, took pictures, and laughed through much of our journey. We shared a lot of room temperature Coca-Cola (which spurred much discussion about the ethics of the Coca-Cola corporation), internet time and usage, and passion for similar causes. I miss Rachel.

I also miss:

DJ - one of the brave men to serve on GCSRW (see Diane's paragraph for an explanation of the letters)! I appreciate and miss DJ for many reasons, but the first thing that comes to mind is that DJ is one of the rare males that understands that feminism did not completely kill chivalry. For example: I have never opened a door for myself around DJ, but have never felt like he is opening a door because the feeble woman in his presence. I have noticed that DJ always opens the door for all people, not just women. I also respect DJ so much for his commitment to be a loving husband and father in any and all ways possible. I have never met his wife, but from the way he speaks of her and their wonderful girls, their family is one that any person could respect. Like both Diane and Rachel, DJ and I laugh together. I think I have realized that laughter and trust must be central in my friendships.

Enough of my gushing about specific friends. Of all the things that the United Methodist Church has blessed me with, I value my friendships the most, and it is those friendships that I cling to when I am beginning to lose hope for the denomination.

Dear Friends, (whether you are Diane, Rachel, DJ, or someone else) have you considered a visit to central Ohio? Please?

Dear Faithful Followers

To the folks that follow this blog...

I know I haven't posted on here in a while (as pointed out by my dad), but I don't think an apology is quite necessary. I finishing up my second-to-last semester in seminary, working on the insane amounts of required paperwork in the next step toward ordination in the United Methodist Church, pastoring my two lovely churches and trying to keep myself sane...

In case that all wasn't enough, I am preparing for a trip to Cambodia next summer. I have started a blog specifically for documenting that journey, and you can find it at

www.prayersforcambodia.blogspot.com

Check it out and add it to your feed readers. I hope to update both blogs more often!!